It’s hard for me to admit when I can’t do it anymore. I’m a perfectionist and my standards are impossible. Intellectually I know this. Emotionally, I feel like a failure when things don’t go smoothly.
Em’s been nursing every 45 minutes to an hour for over a week. I don’t mind it really, except when we’re late for a doctor’s appointment and have to reschedule because they’re jerks. But ever since she had her shots on Tuesday, she’s been very cranky. Impossible to please. Impossible to get along with.
Sadly, this is taking its toll on me. Yesterday I had a mini breakdown. I put Emma in her crib, screaming, and went outside. Then I was scared to go inside because what if she was still crying? (She was.) It took over three hours to get her to go to sleep last night. And then she woke up two hours later and it took another 45 minutes to an hour to get her back down again. It has just taken 45 minutes to an hour of her crying to get her to go down for a nap. This is not working.
I finally broke down and gave her a bottle after nursing her three times in an hour. There goes the milk I’d set aside for tonight. Never mind the fact that I don’t have any milk reserved for our trip this weekend. We’ll just have to stop and nurse. Or maybe it’ll be late enough at night that she’ll sleep through the four-hour trip. I doubt it. I’m trying to pump enough for my Thursday classes, plus the eight-hour stretch on the 10th when I’ll be away from her, plus have a back-up supply in case heaven-forbid Matt & I want to go out on a date or something. Or in case I want to runaway for a while.
Luckily, I can forget all my troubles when she’s happy. Because she’s cute and amazing. I just want my old Monster back, the one who’s happy more than she’s cranky. The one who eats every 2 hours and lets me pump.
Tonight I have class. Matt’s going to try to come home early, but if he can't, we’ll see if the grandparents can take her for me. Tomorrow we're going up north where there’s a grandma who’s more than happy to snuggle a happy Emma or a cranky Monster. And some day I’ll stop feeling like I’m having a breakdown.
Of course, during the happy times I take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. 269, to be exact, for the month of March alone. That’s almost 16 pictures a day. I should probably take more. :)